22 non-zen thoughts everyone has doing yoga

Does my bum look big in this?

Photo: Mel Gibson in What Women Want

Unless you’re one of those switchel-swigging yogis who glows with inner peace and clarity, spreading joy and love from morning meditation class to sunset savasana, chances are, yoga classes aren’t always the revelatory, relaxing experience they’re meant to be.

If, no matter how much you Namaste, you sometimes leave your weekly yoga sesh feeling more bored than blissed out, more sore than sensational, we have a feeling you’ll relate to the list below. Whether you spend your Bikram class fretting over your lack of flexibility or picturing the calorie-laden meal you’re going to indulge in afterwards (because you definitely earnt it), these are the thoughts that have passed through every wannabe yogi’s head somewhere between warrior one and chair pose.

1. I wish I’d brought my own mat.

Does that all-natural, anti-bacterial spray even work?

2. Where’s the hot instructor today?

Why am I even here?

3. Does this girl not understand mat boundaries?

Your mat is too close to my mat.

4. What is that guy wearing?

Shorts that short are never okay. Not even in Bikram.

5. I’m hungry.
6. I’m hot.
7. Should I get a smoothie after this, or a KitKat?

Or maybe both?

8. Did I remember to put deodorant on?

*eyes widen* I don’t think I did.

9. Did I remember to put waterproof mascara on?

Why does this class not have mirrors?

10. Are these tights giving me a camel toe?

Again with the mirrors.

11. Why aren’t I as flexible as that girl?

Is competitive yoga a thing?

12. Do. Not. Fart.

Please, don’t let it be me.

13. I wonder if she got that top from Lululemon.
14. Does my back fat bulge like that?
15. The instructor just corrected my stomach before I had a chance to brace my core!

He felt the flab!

16. I definitely should have shaved my legs this morning.

Please no-one look at me.

17. You want me to put my leg where?

Why can everyone else do this?

18. This room smells

Maybe I shouldn’t breathe deeply?

19. Does she have to breathe so loudly?

I’m trying to meditate here.

20. Does yoga make you better at sex?

Where’s that hot instructor?

21. Maybe I should become a yoga instructor?

Anyone can do it, right?

22. Do yoga instructors get discounts at Lululemon?

If they do, sign me up.

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fitness | body+soul